First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here's this week's 50-75 word entry:

You can call me Lee.

It’s short for Leroy, but please don’t call me that. I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t know why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was just another on a conveyor belt lined with dutiful sons. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man.

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My comments are in red:

You can call me Lee. I have no problem with second person POV to start off a story, especially if it's a bit of introspection.

It’s short for Leroy, but please don’t call me that. But if the author addresses the audience too much, it doesn't always sit well with me. It's a matter of taste though, and this probably works. I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t know why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was just another on a conveyor belt lined with dutiful sons. I'd fiddle around with this sentence a bit to make it even tighter. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man. Awesome one liner!

Because I know what comes after these lines, I'll urge the writer to ground us in the story next. I want him to show us where he is and what he's feeling right away.

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Stina's comments are in blue:

This entry was great and drew me right in. As long as the writer shows me what's going on very soon (hopefully next), then I think this entry can stand as is.

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Possible changes (based on my comments):

My name is Lee. Short for Leroy. But I don't like to be called that.

I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t understand why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was next in line on a conveyor belt filled with dutiful sons. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man.
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THANKS for this awesome entry! Add your two cents IF you want.