First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) adult fiction entry:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his table. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. But his pain was stronger than he was.

He could forget the pain of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was haunted and tortured by grief and guilt. His eyes were stinging with tears and the bottle became blurry.He cursed under his breath as he grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He turned on his heel, marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

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My thoughts are in red:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his table. This is an intriguing opening! I want to get rid of that no-no adverb (numbly) but I also want to keep it. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. These two sentences could be combined. But his pain was stronger than he was. I like this line!

He could forget the pain (you use the word pain twice in close proximity so I'd change this one, same with "bottle" in first two sentences) of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was haunted and tortured by grief and guilt. This is nice, I 'd just tighten up the sentence. His eyes were stinging with tears and the bottle became blurry. Watch for more passive words, "were" and "became". This sentence would be stronger if you removed them.

He cursed under his breath as he grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He turned on his heel, marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed. I love this! I'd just remove one of the beginning "he's", you've got a lot of them in here.

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My rewrite:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened scotch sitting on his table. He had promised himself he wouldn't buy another bottle. But his pain was stronger than he was.

He could forget the grief of that night while at work, but once he walked into his empty and silent home, he was tormented by the guilt. Ben's eyes stung with tears, the bottle blurring.

Cursing under his breath, Ben grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

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Stina's thoughts are in blue:

I liked this start because we sense he’s battling grief and guilt (okay, we’re told that), but we have no idea why. I want to keep reading to find out what happened to leave him needing to deal with the pain by getting drunk.

The writer didn’t use many details to describe the setting, but empty and silent spoke volumes to me. A few more can be added here to give us a better idea of where he is (e.g. kitchen table).

I do, though, want some details very soon so we get some insight as to who he lost and the happy world he once lived in. Was the place decorated with a woman’s touch? Are there pictures of the loved one? Is the place now a mess because he can’t be bothered to clean it or doesn’t have the energy to do it?

One thing to watch out for is how many times you started a sentence with the pronoun ‘he’. And watch out for passive verbs.


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Stina's rewrite:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his kitchen table. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. But his pain was stronger than he was.

His eyes stung with tears and the bottle became blurry. He could forget the pain of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was tortured by grief and guilt.

Cursing under his breath, he grabbed the scotch in one swift move, then marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

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Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!