First Words Workshop: Edgy YA

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 100 word (anonymous) Edgy YA entry:

Carleigh closed the front door, walked inside her apartment, and stopped mid-stride when she recognized the heavy footsteps. Her body tensed, then began to tremble, and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She slid her backpack around, hugged it protectively against her stomach, and became statue-still.

Appearing to concentrate on the bare floor in front of him, a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean.

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.


Dean’s head snapped up.

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My comments are in red:

Carleigh closed the front door, walked inside her apartment, and stopped mid-stride when she recognized the heavy footsteps. Her body tensed, then began to tremble, and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She slid her backpack around, hugged it protectively against her stomach, and became statue-still. First, I want to mention how very intriguing this opening is! I can feel her emotions. But I think there are too many things "listed" in a row (closed, walked, stopped etc.) and I want to tighten it up. Also, when you say "her" apartment it makes me stop and wonder if this is a teen or a grown woman. Use of "the" or "their" would make me think she was underage living with her parents (or it just might be my personal taste).

Appearing to concentrate on the bare floor in front of him ( I get why you say "appear" so as to not POV jump, but you could just say eyes focused down), a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean. AWESOME!

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.

Dean’s head snapped up. Whoa--who is he (Mom's boyfriend?) and what's gonna happen?

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STINA'S comments are in blue:

This is an intriguing start. Great job showing us Carleigh’s emotions.

There are a number of points that need clearing up so that the reader can visualize the scene. What do you mean by recognized the heavy footsteps? Did she know who they belong to? Or did she hear heavy footsteps? She’s in her apartment, but where are the footsteps coming from? Orientate the reader so she can visualize the scene.


When I read ‘muttonchops’ I thought this is historic, because that’s the only time I’ve heard it described this way. But then he had a Budweiser in his hand, and I realized the story takes place in a region I’m not familiar with, where they normally use the term.


While I like the rest of the beginning, I felt that the first sentence could be stronger. It didn’t hook me enough to keep reading. Plus it sounds like Carleigh would have walked into the door since she just closed it before walking into her apartment. Either have her walk into her apartment and then close the door, or have her close the door then walk farther into the apartment. It’s not a big deal, but it did bug me.


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Possible Rewrite (based on both sets of comments):

 Carleigh stepped inside the apartment and paused mid-stride when she heard his heavy footsteps coming from the kitchen. Her body tensed and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She hugged her backpack protectively against her stomach and became statue-still, despite feeling weak in the knees.

Eyes cast down, a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean.

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.

Dean’s head snapped up.

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Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


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