First Words Workshop: Four Seconds

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

  This Month's Anonymous Contemporary Young Adult Excerpt:
           
            Four seconds left. I watch from the stands as Tim Seginski passes the basketball to Nate Hardman. The clock starts. Nate races down court.

            Three seconds. I hear the pound, pound, pound of the basketball.

            Two seconds. Nate reaches mid-court.

            One second. Nate launches the ball. I hold my breath. The ball arcs toward the hoop.

            Time stops.

            The ball drops…

            THROUGH THE NET!

            What a shot! I leap to my feet. Band members hug. Cheerleaders hug. Students and parents hug. I wish a certain girl would hug me….

            If we'd made thirty more points, we’d have won by one.

My thoughts are in Red:


            Four seconds left. I watch from the stands as Tim Seginski passes the basketball to Nate Hardman. The clock starts. Nate races down court.

            Three seconds. I hear the pound, pound, pound of the basketball.

            Two seconds. Nate reaches mid-court. Nice tension!

            One second. Nate launches the ball. I hold my breath. The ball arcs toward the hoop.

            Time stops.

            The ball drops…

            THROUGH THE NET! I enjoyed the action and the tension here. The only thing missing for me is knowing who's talking. Is it a guy or a girl? If one minute detail could be thrown in, like maybe something to identify his sneakers, his clothes, his hair or something to tell me it's male POV.

            What a shot! I leap to my feet. Band members hug. Cheerleaders hug. Students and parents hug. I wish a certain girl would hug me…. Cute! But where is this girl? Is she in the stands, a cheerleader? Maybe he glances at her somewhere in here to heighten the tension.

            If we'd made thirty more points, we’d have won by one. FUNNY! I had to read it three times to "get it", which might be me and needing more coffee. :-) But I felt like a word was missing, like only, or maybe it could be worded differently? 


Also, the tension at the beginning made it seem like this was "a big game". Was the game important for some reason? Kind of anti-climatic in a way and it makes me wonder if it's important to start the story there. Unless you tell us right after why this game was important to the MC or the school? That would help. Maybe it's just a matter of having "any" points on the board is a victory for this team--see what I mean?

Stina's thoughts are in Blue:


       Four seconds left. (Great first sentence. I had it feeling it had something to do with sports, but I was compelled enough to keep reading). I watch from the stands as Tim Seginski passes the basketball to Nate Hardman. The clock starts. Nate races down court.

      Three seconds. I hear the pound, pound, pound of the basketball. (Nice use of the rhetorical device (pound, pound, pound). My only issue is that I feel distanced from the main character because of the word ‘hear’. Just tell me what he hears. Don’t tell me he heard it. Make me feel as if I’m in the moment, in the character’s head.)

       Two seconds. Nate reaches mid-court.

       One second. Nate launches the ball. I hold my breath.(What about the audience? Does a hush roll through it, like everyone is suspended in time (but be more original than that) or are they screaming? Does everyone gasp at the same time?) The ball arcs toward the hoop.

       Time stops.

       The ball drops… (This sounds very SF. As if time standstills and the ball is unable to freeze mid air and drops into the net. It’s not a big deal, and I do like the urgency of your short sentences here.)

       THROUGH THE NET!

       What a shot! I leap to my feet. Band members hug. Cheerleaders hug. Students and parents hug. I wish a certain girl would hug me….

       If we'd made thirty more points, we’d have won by one. (I’m intrigued. Why are they celebrating when they lost by 29 points?)

        My only concern is you’ve given me no reason to care. I don’t care about the character. He’s not even in the game. I would have cared more for him if he was the one throwing the ball. I recently read a YA contemp novel with a similar start, but the main character was the player and I kept reading because I was involved in the emotion of the game. Her game. I wanted to know if her team won and what would happen next.

       You did a great job showing the urgency of the moment with the short sentences. As you know, you didn’t have time for fancy imagery and inner thoughts. The game isn’t stopping for that.

POSSIBLE REWRITE BASED ON BOTH SETS OF COMMENTS:

          Four seconds left. In my side view I spot Tara clench her pom poms as I wring the baseball cap in my hands.  Tim Seginski passes the basketball to Nate Hardman. The clock starts. I watch from the top row of the stands as Nate races down court.

            Three seconds. The basketball pounds, pounds, pounds the floor.

            Two seconds. Nate reaches mid-court.

            One second. Nate launches the ball. I hold my breath as a collective gasp rolls through our side of the stands. The ball arcs toward the hoop.

            Time stops.

            The ball drops…

            THROUGH THE NET!

            What a shot! I leap to my feet. Band members hug. Cheerleaders hug. Students and parents hug. I wish a certain girl would hug me….

            If we'd only made thirty more points, we would have actually won a game! At least it was one point better than last season's shut out. 

***********************


Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


Do you want YOUR first 100 words work-shopped? Email me!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

This month's anonymous young adult paranormal excerpt:

Pete paused the football game and grabbed Chris’s arm. “You’re moving to Brooklyn Heights? Damn. The girls are hot.”


“And you can introduce us to the girls,” Neil added, rubbing his hands together.


Excitement was not the reaction Chris was looking for after telling Pete, Vinnie and Neil, about his parents’ stupid plan to move the family all the way across the borough after his junior high school graduation. Hell, Brooklyn Heights was barely Brooklyn at all. It was almost Manhattan, especially with all the rich yuppies. And, according to Pete, hot girls. Chris had to admit, if true, that was some compensation, but not enough for giving up his best friends. 


My thoughts are in Red:

Pete paused the football game and grabbed Chris’s arm. “You’re moving to Brooklyn Heights? Damn. The girls are hot.” I wanted the first line to pack more of a punch. Maybe give us more of the setting (which I know you gave in the email, so I may use it in the re-write).

“And you can introduce us to the girls,” Neil added, rubbing his hands together.

Excitement was not the reaction Chris was looking (use "hoping" instead?) for after telling Pete, Vinnie and Neil, about his parents’ stupid plan to move the family all the way across the borough after his junior high school graduation. Hell, Brooklyn Heights was barely Brooklyn at all. Gives a good idea of his voice. But I almost want more of it! It was almost Manhattan, especially with all the rich yuppies. Rich and yuppies go together, right? so I'd say use one or the other. Also, do teens use the word "yuppies"? I'd go for more teen language here. And, according to Pete, hot girls. Chris had to admit, if true, that was some compensation, but not enough for giving up his best friends.

Here's what came after the 100 word cutoff that might be incorporated in the re-write: The four of them had known each other since, well, practically forever. They’d all met back in communion class at St. Bernard’s. Except for Neil who’s Jewish.


It was a rainy and cold Saturday afternoon, 47 degrees despite being the middle of May. And as usual for such crappy weather, they were at Pete’s house playing Madden on the huge flat-screen.

 Stina's thoughts are in Blue:

I like this start. It’s intriguing. I’m assuming there’s more to the story than just hot girls and the main character leaving his best buds because you are calling it a paranormal!


You can make the first sentence more dramatic and clearer. How did he pause the game? Was he the one with the ball but he didn’t throw it? Stina, interesting you thought they were actually playing football, but now we see in later details that it's a video game. BUT, goes to your point about adding in more details! Spot on! Did he start to throw it, but then it was as if his friend’s comment finally clicked, and he lowered his throwing arm before he could release the ball. I need you to be more specific so I can visualize the scene. 


But good job on not starting with dialogue as some writers would have been tempted to do.


Love the voice!

Possible rewrite based on both sets of comments:


Pete hit pause and the quarterback's arm froze mid-throw on the flat screen. “Chris, you’re seriously moving to Brooklyn Heights?" They had known each other since, well, forever. "Damn. The girls there are smokin'.”


“Guess who's gonna introduce us to those girls?” Neil added, rubbing his hands together.


Excitement was not the reaction Chris was hoping for after telling Pete, Vinnie and Neil, about his parents’ lame plan to move the family all the way across the borough after his junior high school graduation.


 Hell, Brooklyn Heights was barely Brooklyn at all. It was almost Manhattan, especially with all the money there. And, according to Pete, hot girls. 


Chris had to admit, if true, that was some compensation, but not enough for giving up his best friends. 


They had met in second grade communion class at St. Bernard’s. Except for Neil, who was Jewish.

***********************


Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


Do you want YOUR first 100 words work-shopped? Email me!

First Words Workshop: MEOW

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

This month's (anonymous) Middle Grade fantasy: 

           We materialize behind the scratchy bush on the side of Tessa’s apartment. As Charlemagne and I walk around to her front door, I hear her dog Vixen barking my name over and over again. Whatever else he's barking is lost on me. I don't know much Dog, but with a Mother who's fluent in at least a dozen animal languages, I've picked up a few things.

            My cat, however, understands Vixen perfectly. "Not if I get you first," he meows.

            I'm way more fluent in Cat.

            My eyes snap to the window, where a flicker of movement appears from behind the open drapes. Tessa answers the door before I have a chance to knock. Charlemagne darts inside after Vixen who yelps and runs away.

**********************


My comments are in RED:

We materialize behind the scratchy bush on the side of Tessa’s apartment. Okay, so I already know she is a witch, but had I not, would I understand what you mean by materialize? Maybe so. Let see what the other comments are. As Charlemagne and I walk around to her front door, (since they already know Tessa, I'd use a stronger verb than walk. Were they exited or reluctant to go there?) I hear her dog Vixen barking my name over and over again. I almost want her name right here italicized. Whatever else he's barking is lost on me. I don't know much Dog, but with a Mother who's fluent in at least a dozen animal languages (love), I've picked up a few things. So, she is with her cat, but at this point a reader might not know her gender or that this is a human and a cat, so somehow you should identify that. Like have her foot or dress snag on something.

            My cat, however, understands Vixen perfectly. "Not if I get you first," he meows. I like that line and think it could stand alone without explanation prior.

            I'm way more fluent in Cat. Hmmm... wonder if this line should come before the last one.

            My eyes snap to the window, where a flicker of movement appears from behind the open drapes. Tessa answers the door before I have a chance to knock. Charlemagne darts inside after Vixen who yelps and runs away. I'd change the order of this sentence. I think you have an intriguing beginning on your hands!

*************************


Stina's comments are in BLUE:

I asked my 11 year old and 9 year old if they would keep reading. The oldest one said, “No.” He had no idea what was going on. My younger son grinned and said, “Yes”. He liked the cat. He likes books with talking animals. My older son hates them. So basically you nailed the start according to your target audience.

You need to establish as early as the first sentence that “we” is a human and a cat. I was thrown out of the opening when I discovered in the second paragraph who the characters are. That meant I had visualized the scene all wrong.

When you say “materialize”, do you mean the two characters just pouf out of nowhere? If so, that definitely piques my interest. I want to know why they are able to do this, why they are at Tessa’s house, and where they came from.

The ‘m’ in mother would not be capitalized because you have an article with it. If you were saying ‘but with Mother being fluent in at least a dozen animal languages, I’ve picked up a few things,’ then the ‘m’ would be capitalized.

The last sentence is a little confusing. It doesn’t sound like Vixen ran inside the house. It sounds like he ran away while still outside. Also, the sentence sounds a little off because you’ve got something happening in present tense following an action that is also written in present tense. By the time the cat darts inside, Vixen has already yelped and bolted inside. Maybe change it to something like: ‘Vixen yelps and bolts inside. Charlemagne darts after him.’ This also adds suspense because you have to wait a beat to find out how the cat reacts to Vixen bolting inside the house. 

************************

Possible rewrite based on both sets of comments:

We materialize outside Tessa’s apartment, the hem of my skirt catching on the scratchy bush near the walkway. I follow Charlemagne as she prances toward the front door, while Tessa's dog Vixen yaps my name over and over again.
 Grizzy. Grizzy. Grizzy. 

Whatever else he's barking is lost on me. I don't know much Dog, but with a mother who's fluent in  a dozen animal languages, I've picked up a few things.

            I'm way more fluent in Cat.

            Charlemagne's ears prick up.  "Not if I get you first," she meows.

            My eyes snap to the window, where a flicker of movement appears from behind the open drapes.   Tessa answers the door before I have a chance to knock. Vixen yelps and bolts inside. Charlemagne darts after him.

***********************


Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


Do you want YOUR first 100 words work-shopped? Email me!

First Words Workshop: The Burning Birthmark

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 100 word (anonymous) Paranormal YA entry:

I walked out of the bathroom and froze at the sound of a metal click by my temple. My legs and knees shook as the robber held his gun to my head. He yelled something at the cashier but all I could hear was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears. For whatever reason, I glanced at the new guy I just met, Caleb. His messy but perfect hair almost fell into his green eyes. I did too when we first met ten minutes ago. Something about him was familiar but I was sure I didn’t know him. He was from England after-all.

The birthmark on my hand had been burning since Caleb said hello. His green eyes looked like he was planning something, but I had no clue what.        

I could smell the gunman; a mix of sweat and crazy all together. My heart hammered when he looked at me.

**********************

My comments are in red:

I walked out of the bathroom and froze at the sound of a metal click by my temple. Whoa, right into the action! I almost want to change the order of this sentence to have the click come first. My legs and knees shook (just one or the other and let's find a stronger verb) as the robber held his gun to my head. He yelled something at the cashier but all I could hear was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears. For whatever reason, I glanced at the new guy I just met, Caleb. His messy but perfect hair almost fell into his green eyes. I did too when we first met ten minutes ago. Something about him was familiar but I was sure I didn’t know him. He was from England after-all. Not sure if all of these thoughts should come into play here while a gun is to her head. Maybe we should set these two characters up first and then have the robbery happen.

The birthmark on my hand had been burning since Caleb said hello. Intriguing! His green eyes looked like he was planning something, but I had no clue what.  What about his green eyes made her think this?   
   

I could smell the gunman; a mix of sweat and crazy all together. NICE! My heart hammered when he looked at me. You already have her heart throbbing above so let's change this up. And since I've been able to read further ahead in this story, there are some details I'll add in, below.

**********************

STINA'S comments are in blue:

An intriguing start. Good job showing the main character’s visceral reaction (legs and knees shook) right after showing the reader the stimulus (metal click by the temple).

My problem with this opening is there’s too much going on. Plus, you’re starting with action before the reader becomes emotionally attached to the protagonist. I don’t care enough about her to worry about the gun being held to her head. And I don’t know about you, but if someone is holding a gun to my head, I’m not going to be thinking about how I fell for the stranger with green eyes ten minutes ago. I’m going to be freaking out. Agents might not like this kind of start. It’s like waking up to find a stranger in your room late at night, and immediately thinking how hot he is. You need to make it more believable.

You might not be starting in the right place. You want suspense, but you’ll create more if you hold off on the big action until a little later in the chapter. Maybe have the main character notice the “bad” guy when he first enters the store, but paint the picture in the reader’s mind that he’s up to no good. The reader will keep reading to find out what the guy has planned, and hopefully by the time the gun comes out, the reader is ready to cheer for your main character.

I did like this line: I could smell the gunman; a mix of sweat and crazy all together. That gave an image I could cling to.

**********************

Possible Rewrite (based on both sets of comments):


When I stepped out of the convenience store bathroom, the panic I saw in Caleb's face bolted my feet to the floor. I'd just been introduced to him ten minutes earlier by my childhood friend, Ame, but nothing could mistake how his wide green eyes darted all around around my face.

 The sound of a click by my temple almost made my heart crash out of my chest. And when the robber jammed the cold metal to my head, my knees nearly buckled beneath me. He yelled something at the cashier but I couldn't hear it above the thundering in my ears.  

The birthmark on my hand still throbbed like it did upon meeting Caleb, but it was nothing compared to the burning in my throat. I wanted to yell out to Caleb, but the slight tilt of his head toward the door made me think he was planning something. So I kept my mouth shut.
        

I could smell the gunman--sweat and crazy all mixed together. And when he looked at me, I wished with all of my being that I hadn't returned to this stinking, good-for-nothing town.

***********************

Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


Do you want YOUR first 100 words work-shopped? Email me!

First Words Workshop: Edgy YA

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 100 word (anonymous) Edgy YA entry:

Carleigh closed the front door, walked inside her apartment, and stopped mid-stride when she recognized the heavy footsteps. Her body tensed, then began to tremble, and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She slid her backpack around, hugged it protectively against her stomach, and became statue-still.

Appearing to concentrate on the bare floor in front of him, a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean.

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.


Dean’s head snapped up.

************************

My comments are in red:

Carleigh closed the front door, walked inside her apartment, and stopped mid-stride when she recognized the heavy footsteps. Her body tensed, then began to tremble, and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She slid her backpack around, hugged it protectively against her stomach, and became statue-still. First, I want to mention how very intriguing this opening is! I can feel her emotions. But I think there are too many things "listed" in a row (closed, walked, stopped etc.) and I want to tighten it up. Also, when you say "her" apartment it makes me stop and wonder if this is a teen or a grown woman. Use of "the" or "their" would make me think she was underage living with her parents (or it just might be my personal taste).

Appearing to concentrate on the bare floor in front of him ( I get why you say "appear" so as to not POV jump, but you could just say eyes focused down), a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean. AWESOME!

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.

Dean’s head snapped up. Whoa--who is he (Mom's boyfriend?) and what's gonna happen?

**************************

STINA'S comments are in blue:

This is an intriguing start. Great job showing us Carleigh’s emotions.

There are a number of points that need clearing up so that the reader can visualize the scene. What do you mean by recognized the heavy footsteps? Did she know who they belong to? Or did she hear heavy footsteps? She’s in her apartment, but where are the footsteps coming from? Orientate the reader so she can visualize the scene.


When I read ‘muttonchops’ I thought this is historic, because that’s the only time I’ve heard it described this way. But then he had a Budweiser in his hand, and I realized the story takes place in a region I’m not familiar with, where they normally use the term.


While I like the rest of the beginning, I felt that the first sentence could be stronger. It didn’t hook me enough to keep reading. Plus it sounds like Carleigh would have walked into the door since she just closed it before walking into her apartment. Either have her walk into her apartment and then close the door, or have her close the door then walk farther into the apartment. It’s not a big deal, but it did bug me.


**********************

Possible Rewrite (based on both sets of comments):

 Carleigh stepped inside the apartment and paused mid-stride when she heard his heavy footsteps coming from the kitchen. Her body tensed and the brassy taste of fear filled her mouth. She hugged her backpack protectively against her stomach and became statue-still, despite feeling weak in the knees.

Eyes cast down, a man with a weathered complexion and muttonchops tramped down the hallway. His right hand clutched a Budweiser, left hand a cigarette.

Dean.

Carleigh sucked in a sharp breath and stepped backward. Beneath her foot, a floorboard creaked.

Dean’s head snapped up.

**********************

Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!


Do you want YOUR first 100 words work-shopped? Email me!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 100 word (anonymous) MIDDLE GRADE entry:

Mr. McMichaels hated me after confiscating a story I wrote during class last week. A story about an evil goblin warlord. Named McMichaels.

I guess I can't blame him, but wouldn't most English teachers love a student who wanted to be an author? Not this one. I was lucky he only threatened me with detention.

I took my time walking to my eighth grade English class, not looking forward to Mr. McMichaels and his evil-eye glare.

The crowded hallway slowly thinned out as sixth, seventh and eighth-graders swapped classrooms. A kid slammed his puke green locker shut, wafting the scent of body odor and days-old sweaty gym clothes toward me.

*****
My thoughts are in red:

Mr. McMichaels hated me after confiscating a story I wrote during class last week. A story about an evil goblin warlord. Named McMichaels (funny!). I like this but somehow I want it to pack more of a punch for a first paragraph, so I might rearrange some things in my example below.

I guess I can't blame him, but wouldn't most English teachers love a student who wanted to be an author? I want this to be said in more of a kid voice, or deleted. Not this one. I was lucky he only threatened me with detention.

I took my time walking to my eighth grade English class, not looking forward to Mr. McMichaels and his evil-eye glare. HA! You've got the makings of a great story, but I want to bring out this voice more by rearranging. I also want to change one of these "evils" to another word.

The crowded hallway slowly thinned out as sixth, seventh and eighth-graders (not sure if this detail is needed) swapped classrooms. A kid slammed his puke green locker shut, wafting the scent of body odor and days-old sweaty gym clothes toward me. Ick, I can so smell that--nice details!

********
My rewrite:

My feet dragged as I walked to eight grade English. Mr. McMichaels hated me. Guess I couldn't blame him and his evil-eye glare. Not after he confiscated a story I wrote about a wicked goblin warlord last week. Named McMichaels.

You'd think an English teacher would appreciate a kid that actually liked writing. Not this one. I was lucky he only threatened me with detention.

The hallway thinned out as students swapped classrooms. One kid slammed his puke green locker shut, wafting the scent of body odor and days-old sweaty gym clothes toward me.

******
Stina's thoughts are in blue:

I liked this opening, but felt the first paragraph could be made stronger by adding more emotional punch to it. So I rearranged it a bit. Also, watch out for changes in your verb tense. “Can’t” is present tense, but your story’s in past tense. Otherwise I thought it was great, and loved the sensory details.

One other thing I changed was the list of grades. We know from her being in eighth grade that she’s in middle school. You don’t need to list the grades.

******
Stina's rewrite:

Mr. McMichaels hated me. I guess I couldn’t blame him. Not after he confiscated a story I wrote during class last week. A story about an evil goblin warlord. Named McMichaels.

But wouldn't most English teachers love a student who wanted to be an author? Not this one. I was lucky he only threatened me with detention.

I took my time walking to my eighth grade English class, not looking forward to Mr. McMichaels and his evil-eye glare.

The crowded hallway slowly thinned out as students swapped classrooms. A kid slammed his puke green locker shut, wafting the scent of body odor and days-old sweaty gym clothes toward me.

****

Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this wonderful entry!

*****

IF YOU'D LIKE TO ENTER YOUR FIRST 100 WORDS IN THIS WORKSHOP (anonymously), email me: christinalee04@gmail.com.

ALSO, if you'd like to partake in an upcoming blog hop "of sorts" to spotlight a 2011 debut author, email me with DEBUT AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT in the subject line! :D

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) adult fiction entry:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his table. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. But his pain was stronger than he was.

He could forget the pain of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was haunted and tortured by grief and guilt. His eyes were stinging with tears and the bottle became blurry.He cursed under his breath as he grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He turned on his heel, marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

*****
My thoughts are in red:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his table. This is an intriguing opening! I want to get rid of that no-no adverb (numbly) but I also want to keep it. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. These two sentences could be combined. But his pain was stronger than he was. I like this line!

He could forget the pain (you use the word pain twice in close proximity so I'd change this one, same with "bottle" in first two sentences) of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was haunted and tortured by grief and guilt. This is nice, I 'd just tighten up the sentence. His eyes were stinging with tears and the bottle became blurry. Watch for more passive words, "were" and "became". This sentence would be stronger if you removed them.

He cursed under his breath as he grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He turned on his heel, marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed. I love this! I'd just remove one of the beginning "he's", you've got a lot of them in here.

*******

My rewrite:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened scotch sitting on his table. He had promised himself he wouldn't buy another bottle. But his pain was stronger than he was.

He could forget the grief of that night while at work, but once he walked into his empty and silent home, he was tormented by the guilt. Ben's eyes stung with tears, the bottle blurring.

Cursing under his breath, Ben grabbed the scotch in one swift move. He marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

******

Stina's thoughts are in blue:

I liked this start because we sense he’s battling grief and guilt (okay, we’re told that), but we have no idea why. I want to keep reading to find out what happened to leave him needing to deal with the pain by getting drunk.

The writer didn’t use many details to describe the setting, but empty and silent spoke volumes to me. A few more can be added here to give us a better idea of where he is (e.g. kitchen table).

I do, though, want some details very soon so we get some insight as to who he lost and the happy world he once lived in. Was the place decorated with a woman’s touch? Are there pictures of the loved one? Is the place now a mess because he can’t be bothered to clean it or doesn’t have the energy to do it?

One thing to watch out for is how many times you started a sentence with the pronoun ‘he’. And watch out for passive verbs.


******

Stina's rewrite:

Ben Novak stared numbly at the unopened bottle of scotch sitting on his kitchen table. He wasn't going to buy another bottle. He had promised himself. But his pain was stronger than he was.

His eyes stung with tears and the bottle became blurry. He could forget the pain of that night while he was at work, but once he walked into his home, empty and silent, he was tortured by grief and guilt.

Cursing under his breath, he grabbed the scotch in one swift move, then marched into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. No glass needed.

****

Two different viewpoints to take or leave. Thanks for this great entry!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) CHICK LIT entry:

Why couldn't I love Phillip? He smoothed out his dress jacket and walked towards me holding out a hand that I reluctantly grabbed. A light hum fell over the restaurant. The sound of elevator music made it apparent that Phillip and I were the only ones here. Wait staff buzzed around us with champagne glasses, main dishes, and candlelight that triggered something was up. Sweat formed on his forehead, the nerves in my stomach began rumbling. He stole a quick glance in my direction.

"You look beautiful tonight," Phillip said clearing his throat.

I jumped at his voice, the sound putting goose bumps along my forearm.


**********

My thoughts are in red:

Why couldn't I love Phillip? Hmm.. I'm not a fan of this first line. I want you to show me this instead of tell me--it would hike up the tension. He smoothed out his dress jacket and walked towards me holding out a hand that I reluctantly grabbed. A light hum fell over the restaurant. The sound of elevator music made it apparent that Phillip and I were the only ones here. I like this image of them being alone in the restaurant. It tells the reader that Phillip went through a lot of trouble to do this. But I think you could zero in on the sensory description even more. Wait staff buzzed around us with champagne glasses, main dishes, and candlelight that triggered something was up. Kind of confusing.Was she already sitting down and they came in with all of this, or was it already there? Sweat formed on his forehead, the nerves in my stomach began rumbling. Do nerves rumble? :D He stole a quick glance in my direction.

"You look beautiful tonight," Phillip said clearing his throat.

I jumped at his voice, the sound putting goose bumps along my forearm. Goose bumps makes it seem like she was glad to see him--maybe she's undecided?


******

Stina's thoughts are in blue:

This is an intriguing start. But we’re almost halfway through the first page and I don’t have an emotional connection to the main character. Try weaving in some introspection so we get a better sense of her character.

Watch out for your punctuation. There needs to be a comma separating an action and a passive verb: He smoothed out his dress jacket and walked towards me, holding out a hand that I reluctantly grabbed.

Nerves don’t rumble. Stomachs rumble. Make sure your physiological processes keep true to reality. I have a background in physiology, so I notice this kind of thing. :D Are you trying to tell me she’s nervous or hungry?

Trim extra words that don’t add anything other than "wordage". For example, we know elevator music is sound without being told. This is especially important since you have sound mentioned twice in the first hundred words. Also, ‘began’ isn’t necessary here. Change it to ‘the nerves in my stomach (whatever you want them to do).’

You’ve got a good start here with sensory description, but you are focusing only on sound. Can you paint the picture further by adding the smell of food? Then the reader knows what type of restaurant it is.

***********

Possible re-write to consider:

Phillip fussed with his jacket as he stepped inside Giovanni's and stole a tenative glance in my direction. A hum had fallen over the restaurant, and paired with the dimmed lights, it was apparent that we were alone. He bounded toward me with his outstretched hand and I hesitated for a split second before grabbing it.

Phillip cleared his throat, "You look beautiful tonight."

I jumped at the sound of his voice, my stomach seizing.

All at once, wait staff buzzed around us holding champagne glasses, appetizers, and lit candles.

Something was definitely up.

*******

Two different views to take or leave. Thank you for the entry!

Readers, feel free to give your two cents, if you want!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) MIDDLE GRADE entry:

The day Miss K asked me to play a violin solo- in front of the entire Benjamin Harrison Middle School Orchestra- my head swelled like a puffer fish. Too bad I didn’t grow fins and flippers. Stuff like that comes in handy when you’re entire musical career is about to drown in the deep end of a swimming pool.

“Everyone listen up,” Miss K says, tapping her baton against my music stand. “Grace is going to play a selection from Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, the Mozart piece for this year’s All-City auditions.” My heart leaps. “Take it from measure one.”

**********

My thoughts are in red:

The day Miss K asked me to play a violin solo- in front of the entire Benjamin Harrison Middle School Orchestra- my head swelled like a puffer fish. Too bad I didn’t grow fins and flippers. Stuff like that comes in handy when you’re entire musical career is about to drown in the deep end of a swimming pool. This is excellent. One typo: your.


“Everyone listen up,” Miss K says, tapping her baton against my music stand. “Grace is going to play a selection from Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, the Mozart piece for this year’s All-City auditions.” My heart leaps. This makes me think she's excited, and based on her head swelling like a puffer fish (above), I'm going to assume she's a bit proud of herself (which I love because it's different and can work if she's relatable). If not, and she's nervous here, then I'd go for another physical description. “Take it from measure one.”

I have no recommended changes. I think this is GREAT as is.

I know the writer wondered whether the first para should be past or present tense. Stina and I agree that it's okay in past tense, considering that her opening of the book is the introspection/foreseeing part. But feel free to disagree, readers.

**********

Stina's thoughts are in blue:

I love the voice in this entry. It’s a great start. Not too much back story, and we get a taste of who the character is.

The only "problem" I found when reading this is that it sounds like the main character has an inflated ego (my head swelled like a puffer fish). I’m not sure what you were going for. I’m guessing it wasn’t this since people dealing with ego trips are the last to admit it (if they ever do).

Other than that, I loved this start.

***********

Two different views to take or leave. Thank you for the great entry!

Readers, feel free to give your two cents, if you want!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) entry:

Adam glanced around the stark room and spotted the newest victim: younger than most but dressed in white, like everyone else. Adam studied the boy then sighed inwardly. He wasn’t the one.

Adam closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long he’d been here, frozen asleep, ageless. His sentence felt like years. Everyday he worked on his escape and each time he was caught and made to sleep again. Nothing mattered as long as he kept trying.

**********

My thoughts are in red:

Adam glanced around the stark room and spotted the (who's victim? his?) newest victim: younger than most but dressed in white, like everyone else. Nice first line! I might change like everyone else to just like the rest, but that's personal preference. Adam studied the boy then sighed inwardly. Tell me something about the boy. He wasn’t the one. Makes me want to know more!

Adam closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long he’d been here, frozen asleep, ageless. I want more of the setting here so I'm grounded in the scene. His sentence felt like years. Everyday he worked on his escape and each time he was caught and made to sleep again. Nothing mattered as long as he kept trying. Again a little clue-who caught him? Just a little descriptor would help.


My Rewrite (since I'm not familiar with rest of the story, I made stuff up for effect):

Adam glanced around the stark room and spotted The Council's newest victim: younger than most but dressed in white, just like the rest. Studying the boy's mouth, drawn into a tight red line, Adam sighed.

He wasn’t the one.

Adam closed his eyes to block out the white tiles and metal trays. He didn’t know how long he’d been here, frozen asleep, but his sentence felt like years. Everyday he worked on his escape and each time The Guard caught him and made him sleep again.

But nothing mattered--not even the tube they stuck up his nose- as long as he kept trying.

**********
Stina's thoughts are in blue:

I like the first sentence. It’s intriguing. I’m hoping for more description of the room at some point, especially sensory description. A stark room says a lot, but not enough. Also, try to avoid words that distance the reader from the POV character (e.g. know, saw, felt, remembered, decided, thought, noticed).

The second paragraph is interesting, but it’s also confusing. Make sure you don’t leave the readers frustrated. You want them in suspense, not scratching their heads. But then again, maybe it was just me who was confused. Also, watch out for your passive verbs. Make them active.

Stina's Rewrite:

Adam glanced around the stark room and spotted the newest victim: younger than most but dressed in white, like everyone else. Under the brilliant light, pouring off the single bulb from the ceiling, he studied the boy then sighed inwardly.

He wasn’t the one.

Adam closed his eyes. How long he’d been here, frozen asleep, ageless? His sentence felt like it had dragged on for years. Every day he worked on his escape and each time they caught him, they drugged him, forcing to him sleep, again. But nothing else mattered, as long as he kept trying.

***********

Two different options to take or leave. Thank you for the great entry!

Readers, fell free to give your two cents, if you want!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here is this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) entry:

The eyes that I doodled on my notebook sent chills up my spine. The splashes of sunlight that sprinkled over my artwork didn’t brighten their darkness. Those eyes were one of the few things I could remember from my sleepless nights. The other thing was big bruises and stinging cuts on my arms which I’m trying to hide, but with the warmer weather approaching, hoodies were starting to look strange and make me sweat.
**********

My thoughts are in red:

The eyes that I doodled on my notebook sent chills up my spine. Intriguing! The splashes of sunlight that sprinkled over my artwork didn’t brighten their darkness. I like this line. Those eyes were one of the few things I could remember from my sleepless nights. I might move this up to go with the other sentence. The other thing was big bruises and stinging cuts on my arms which I’m trying to hide, but with the warmer weather approaching, hoodies were starting to look strange and make me sweat. Okay, so I feel like this part is more telling than showing so I made it more active to help it jump from the page.

My re-write:

The eyes I'd doodled on my notebook sent chills up my spine, a terrifying reminder of my sleepless nights. The splashes of sunlight sprinkled over my artwork did nothing to brighten their darkness. I tugged at the sleeves of my hoodie despite the warm day. They hid my other souvenir from last evening-bruises and cuts on my arms. Staring down at the icy black irises I muttered, "Why are you trying to hurt me?"
**********

Stina's thoughts are in blue:

Great voice and first sentence. I love the description in the opening paragraph, and felt that it sets the tone of the story. Watch out for changes in tenses and for repetition. Out of four sentences, three started with ‘the’.

Stina's Rewrite:

The eyes I’d doodled on my notebook sent chills up my spine. Even with the splashes of sunlight spilling over my artwork, their darkness didn’t brighten. Of the few things I could remember from my sleepless nights, those eyes were the most vivid.

I tugged the sleeves of my hoodie down to cover my wrists, trying to hide my arms and the second thing I remembered about those nights: the big bruises and stinging cuts. With the warmer weather approaching, my hoodies screamed freak and were making me sweat. How much longer before I’d have to abandon them?
***********

Two different options to take or leave. Thank you for the great entry!

Readers, fell free to give your two cents, if you want!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here's this week's 50-100 word (anonymous) entry:

Cruel laughter followed me out of the classroom, and echoed off the walls behind me as I stumbled down the hall. I could barely contain the screams behind my clenched teeth as another spasm of pain ripped through my brain.

My feet faltered beneath me and I slid onto the wall, leaning against it as I fought to breathe. It had been more than a week since my last episode, but this one was proving far worse than the last. The voices rose in volume until I felt sure they would tear themselves out of my
skull.

“Where’d you go, freak?”

That voice came from outside my head, but it was no less frightening.

**********
My thoughts are in red:

Cruel laughter followed me out of the classroom, and echoed off the walls behind me as I stumbled down the hall. This is a good visual. I would just tighten the phrasing a bit. I could barely contain the screams behind my clenched teeth as another spasm of pain ripped through my brain. Now I'm thinking pain?! Physical or emotional?

My feet faltered beneath me and I slid onto the wall, leaning against it as I fought to breathe. It had been more than a week since my last episode, but this one was proving far worse than the last. Again, just some tightening up, and the word last is used twice close together. Also, I'd want to move this important sentence up. The voices rose in volume until I felt sure they would tear themselves out of my skull. So, there are voices in her/his head. Definitely intriguing.

At this point, not sure if we are talking about a male or female MC, and we'd would need to know, soon.

“Where’d you go, freak?”

That voice came from outside my head, but it was no less frightening. Good! She knows this voice (right?) so I'd add the word familiar in there, so the reader is intrigued that someone in her real life terrifies her.
**********
Stina's thoughts are in blue:

This is an intriguing beginning that does a good job establishing voice and mood. I felt the description of pain and sound was strong, and I loved the last line.

Watch out for passive sentences and repetitive words (e.g you used ‘last’ twice in the forth sentence), and work on trimming the extra words that weaken the writing. For example, ‘behind me’ isn’t necessary in the first sentence.

***********

So, maybe something more like this:

Cruel laughter followed me out the classroom and echoed off the walls as I stumbled down the hall. I clenched my teeth, barely containing the screams, as another spasm of pain ripped through my brain.

My last episode had been more than a week ago, but this one was proving to be far worse than that.

The voices rose in volume, until I felt sure they would tear themselves out of my skull. I slumped against the wall and fought to breathe.

“Where’d you go, freak?”

The familiar voice came from outside my head, but it was no less frightening.

**********
Take it or leave it, but thank you for the great entry!

Readers, fell free to give your two cents, if you want!

First Words Workshop

To see how the workshop began, read THIS post: An Analysis of First Pages.

Here's this week's 50-75 word entry:

You can call me Lee.

It’s short for Leroy, but please don’t call me that. I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t know why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was just another on a conveyor belt lined with dutiful sons. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man.

**********

My comments are in red:

You can call me Lee. I have no problem with second person POV to start off a story, especially if it's a bit of introspection.

It’s short for Leroy, but please don’t call me that. But if the author addresses the audience too much, it doesn't always sit well with me. It's a matter of taste though, and this probably works. I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t know why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was just another on a conveyor belt lined with dutiful sons. I'd fiddle around with this sentence a bit to make it even tighter. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man. Awesome one liner!

Because I know what comes after these lines, I'll urge the writer to ground us in the story next. I want him to show us where he is and what he's feeling right away.

***********

Stina's comments are in blue:

This entry was great and drew me right in. As long as the writer shows me what's going on very soon (hopefully next), then I think this entry can stand as is.

**********

Possible changes (based on my comments):

My name is Lee. Short for Leroy. But I don't like to be called that.

I know where my parents got the name, but I don’t understand why they slapped it on me like a shiny new label, as if I was next in line on a conveyor belt filled with dutiful sons. It was my grandfather’s name, and my father’s middle name.

One of them was a good man.
***********

THANKS for this awesome entry! Add your two cents IF you want.

First Words Workshop

The response to my post last week: An Analysis of First Pages was great, and I received a few entries to critique.

My CP, STINA, who definitely helped shape this workshop, will offer her two cents too!


Here is the first (anonymous) entry. I'll show it first in it's entirety:

This is the wrong part of town for a teenager to be skulking around at midnight. But I'm not wearing anything valuable, just my Joe's Diner uniform and beat up flip flops. The high school quarterback once told me I had a face only a mother could love, so I'm probably fine. But just in case any crazies from the ghetto are creeping in their low riders thinking of mugging me, I tighten my jaw and walk like I'm some kind of deranged psych ward escapee.
*******

My comments are in red:

This is the wrong part of town for a teenager to be skulking around at midnight (I'm not sure if a teen would identify herself as such, so I'd skip the word teen. Also, show something in her surroundings to help reader understand why it's the wrong part of town-what does she see, smell, hear?). But I'm not wearing anything valuable, just my Joe's Diner uniform and beat up flip flops. The high school quarterback once told me I had a face only a mother could love, so I'm probably fine (I like this line and would want to move it up). But just in case any crazies from the ghetto (when from the ghetto is used my stereotype radar goes off--I'd cut it) are creeping in their low riders (hmm... if this is how the MC talks I'd keep it, but if it's to establish teen type of lingo, I'd cut it) thinking of mugging me, I tighten my jaw and walk like (show what the legs/walk looks like)I'm some kind of deranged psych ward escapee. I also want her to show what she's feeling inside straight from the beginning so the reader identifies with her.
*******
Stina's comments are in blue:

This is an intriguing start. I would like to see some sensory description to show us why this is the wrong part of the town for a teenager to skulk around at midnight. Are there hookers standing around? Drunks passed out in the opening of the alley? Wasted teens? Drug dealers? Are there sirens in the distance? Music blaring? What’s does the place smell like? Paint a picture, but make it brief. One or two sentences could show us so much.

How’s the character feeling? She’s trying to show the world she’s tough, but inside, how is she feeling about the situation? Is she scared? Give me a reason to care about her, especially since you make it sound like she’s up to no good.
*******

SO, maybe something like this instead:

My feet crunch over some broken glass as sirens wail in the distance. This is definitely the wrong part of town to be walking in after midnight. The high school quarterback once told me I had a face only a mother could love, so I'm probably safe. Besides, I'm not wearing anything valuable, just my Joe's Diner uniform and beat up flip flops. Even still, I lock my jaw and stiffen my legs like some kind of psych ward escapee, in case any crazies want to mug me. But my hammering heart threatens to give me away.
*******

Now you've got a mix of introspection and action, with a sprinkle of feelings and setting. Just an opinion, so take it or leave it, okay?

If anyone else wants to pipe in, feel free. And if you want to send your 50-75 words for analysis, email me!